That Damn Recording
by Calc-Man
Summary: Dipper finds and old tape recorder and decides to explore what he cannot explain: His self-doubt, his regrets, and his previously unknown hidden persona. He thinks his thoughts are safe, until the recorder finds its way around the Mystery Shack...
1. Where Did It Go?

That Damn Recording

**AN: What's this? A story by Calc-Man that isn't horrendous smut? Blasphemy!  
**

**But seriously, there's this show called Gravity Falls with amazing characters that I want to explore. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

1: Where Did It Go?

_11pm; barely a sound was coming from the Mystery Shack. Stan was asleep on his couch, Mabel was sleeping over Candy's house, and Dipper sat on his bed, staring at the full moon through his attic window, surrounded by a thick veil of clouds. Deep in thought, he realized that it would be easier to sleep if he spoke his mind. He pulled out a dusty tape recorder and a blank cassette tape that he found while digging around in the attic. Clicking the tape in place, he pressed record and tested the ancient device. Satisfied that it was still functioning properly, he lied on his back and spoke._

* * *

_Sigh…_I feel out of focus, like something is keeping me from reaching my full potential. I feel this weight pressing down on my body every day, and I'm not exactly sure what the cause is. I'm a pretty rational guy, so I should know why I'm so…uncomfortable. I mean, I've battled an army of gnomes, ran a gauntlet of amber-frozen dinosaurs, and even conquered the multi-bear: Shouldn't I be able to understand my own state of mind? The things I've seen over past few weeks have bent the laws of reality, so perhaps these impossibilities are the reasons behind my malcontent.

It sucks, not being able to find the answers. When faced with a problem, I go through the options, list said options into a set order, prepare for any contingencies, and eventually reach a solution. Of course, this process has to be modified when dealing with Gobblewonkers and pterodactyls and everything else Gravity Falls has to offer. However, more often than not, my rational method of observation and application works! So why does it _not _work when dealing with my feelings?

I can't stand that word, "Feelings". They're complicated things with very little grounding in the physical world. But maybe that's why I feel this unnamed pressure on my mind, because I don't accept that I, like any other person, am susceptible to the negative effects of emotion. Is it arrogant to think that I should not be emotionally driven like others are? Maybe…maybe.

Well, take Mabel for instance. In our siblinghood, she is by far the more emotional of the two of us. I love my twin sister in every way, but she has a tendency to get carried away with her unstable feelings. Maybe it's because she's a girl and because I'm a guy that we are controlled by emotion and rational thought, respectively. Come to think of it, that's definitely the reason we have different mindsets, but I think she would more easily find an answer to my problem. Why do I feel so trapped?

Hell, I don't even know what's trapping me! Or what I'm feeling! Angst? Worry? Regret?

I'll just keep repeating words until the right one comes up. What do I worry about? Well, not much I guess, excluding the fact that Gravity Falls could easily be annihilated in a mere moment by any supernatural or extraterrestrial entity. What do I regret? I haven't done enough to regret anything really-

Wait! That's it! That's what I'm feeling: Regret for what I haven't done! Wow, I'm one step closer to figuring it out, this emotion thing that's holding me back…Regret for what I haven't done- Is that a thing? It should be a thing, with its own word and everything. A word like…uh…I don't really know. I guess the word "Regret" fits fine.

_Sigh…_Ok Dipper, don't let this go, you have to explore this. You can't keep pushing this away, so let's build on it. I'm twelve years and 303 days old. Yes, I keep track of the days. The reason being that I can't be taken seriously if I'm just a little twelve year old. In those almost-thirteen years, what have I truly accomplished? What have I done to help friends, to help family, the world? And what about helping myself? What have I done that has changed me as a person? Before I came to Gravity Falls, I was just a normal school kid: I studied, read books, I was curious about the world around me, I was never scolded, I had two or three friends, I was sometimes ignored, picked last in gym class, made fun of…called names…picked on… humiliated…beat up…robbed...bruised…

…_Sigh_…There it is again. The weight of my being. Feels different than my regret, more like self-pity. That's a whole different issue, but it kind of ties into what I'm talking about.

On the outside, I wasn't thrilled by the decision my parents made, sending Mabel and I to live with Gruncle Stan. On the inside, however, I was absolutely relieved. At home, I had nothing to look forward to, but here in Oregon? The whole world is open. In twelve years, I really have done nothing of consequence or meaning. But when I first found that journal, I unlocked the secrets of this mysterious town. I was ready to grow into a new Dipper: one who has purpose, drive, and unlimited potential! But what did I get? The same old Dipper who also has a dusty book of knowledge. What can I accomplish with that?

I felt true purpose, what I have always been searching for, two days ago. I still can't believe that it's only been two days since Gideon was arrested, two days since I took down a giant robot with my fists. Gideon's robot captured Mabel and began to leave with her, the little psychic taunting me all throughout. I was on a cliff above the robot, poised with the opportunity to jump for it, to save her. I was about to jump before a wave of self-doubt attacked me, a wave that stemmed from my small stature, my experience with bullies, and the looming fact that I couldn't stop a giant robot with my only useful quality: my mind. It almost took me, that self-pity. I turned and surrendered to my imperfections before something hit me: something powerful and unwavering.

Perhaps it was bravery blended with stupidity, or a combination of selflessness and fear, I really don't know. I ran for the edge of the cliff and jumped. I landed inside the cockpit and started pummeling Gideon. I was lost in my rage, all rational thought was gone: I just needed to keep my fists flying. I didn't see who I was punching, or realize why I was punching, or know for how long I was punching: I only saw and felt rage. For the first time, I knew true purpose, and now I'm terrified.

I…I don't know who that was, the Dipper punching Gideon. My mind, my rational thought process was gone in a flash. I have always looked for a purpose, something to abate this regret and self-pity that has defined my character for my entire life, but _this_? That day I let out all of the anger, the fear, the passion that was buried beneath the surface, and now I am absolutely terrified. I don't even know who I am, and I can't bare this..this knowing of what I am on the inside.

Where did it go- My mind, my thought process? I know it's still there, still me, but now I know that in an _instant_ I can become someone else. I have the ability to comprehend, to think! My mind is _me_, what I am; and to think that I can erase my essence in a heartbeat is horrifying. Forget this damn regret, this self-doubt; both really don't matter. Others are far more deserving of the ability to question themselves than I am. I should be locked up! Forgotten! Thrown away before I lose control again! I-

…I can't think like this. I'll lose what I am to this kind of thinking. I'll work through this with a calm mind; I'll beat whatever is inside me. My friends and family, what would they think if I just gave up like that? I won't think about that, I can't. I mean…_phh_...what would Mabel do without me? Or Gruncle Stan? Or Soos? Or Wendy?…Wendy…

* * *

_Dipper stared at the ceiling for a while longer before stopping the recording. With the device in hand, he stood and made his way to Wendy's hangout on the roof. The moonlight, barely able to reach through the thick clouds, shined upon a particular part of the forest. Staring deep into that barely lit area, he leaned his arm back and launched the recorder as far as he could. He was surprised when it made good distance, and with that he returned to bed. He tossed and turned in slumber, sweating through his thin sheets. Only he and his recording, knew what his mind was going through. That is, of course, until someone found the recorder while strolling through the woods._

**Live and Love,  
**

**JR (Calc-Man)**


	2. Simple Day

That Damn Recording

**AN: Didn't think I'd update this quickly, but here you go. I found this character much more difficult to capture in words than Dipper, but I tried my damnedest. Enjoy!  
**

2: Simple Day

_Mabel took her time enjoying the sweet scents of the woodland around her. She and her faithful pig Waddles were on an afternoon stroll, something she never seems to have time for. On one lucky step, she found something peculiar: an old cassette player. She smiled at her discovery, and her grin expanded when she realized that there was a tape inside. She rewound the ancient cassette and pressed play, surprised to hear none other than her twin brother Dipper's voice. _

* * *

I was walking in the woods with Waddles, and then I found this dusty thing, and then I found out how much trouble Dipper is in, and now I can't stop thinking about how he needs my help. Should I have even listened to this tape? I mean, it looks like he just threw it away, even though he shouldn't have. That makes it free game: One man's trash, right?

_Sigh_…I shouldn't be so giddy. Dipper put his deepest thoughts into this old tape, and here I am calling it trash. Shows what a good twin sis I am. Well, now he's got me thinking: and thinking leads to speaking, so I guess I'll start recording. Best way to remember what you say is to not need to remember it I guess.

…I never knew Dipper was so bothered by stuff. I mean, we tease him all the time, but he's really hurting on the inside. He's always been a bit withd- withdrawn? Is that the word? Think so. Well, it's good that he opened up finally, course he coulda just talked to me instead of this dumb-looking recorder. How selfish of him, not letting me help. He said that I'd have an answer to his troubles, but he didn't think to talk to me about it. He should know that I'll always have his back, but is this where he draws the line? Does he think he's the only one that starts to feel this way every now and again?

Of course not, he's smart enough to realize that he's not alone, he said so on his tape. I know he can feel isolated, but that's why I'm here: to help him. I love my brother to death, and he should know that I could always help him.

Maybe I should stop recording and just talk to him, cuz I think I can help him- I _know_ I can help him. I probably wouldn't have all the answers he's looking for, but just talking with someone helps a lot. Obviously this regret and heavy emotion and stuff had been on his mind for a long time, so talking about it to himself is a step in the right direction. Talking to another person would logically be the next step. _Pshh…_I sound like Dipper.

I'm really shocked at how troubled he really is. He has been pretty lost in his own thoughts lately, and now that I know why, I'm really worried about him. I mean, Dipper is smart, so he won't do anything stupid if I _don't_ talk to him about it- Waddles! Don't chew on your leash! Silly pig…

What I'm really worried about though was when he started talking like he was worthless. I mean, I know he was picked on in school, but how far did it really go? I feel terrible, not being there for him when junk like this happened. I know it hurts him, but how much does it really? And what else has he been keeping from his twin sister? He has so much worth and potential and purpose; even if he somehow can't see it. He's done so much for me, I don't know what I'd do without him. Wait, what was that? …_uh oh! Gotta hide…_

…

…

_I hope this thing can record my whispers. I took Waddles and hid behind this bush because I saw someone coming- Hey, is that _Dipper_? What is he doing? Crud, he's coming closer, hold on a sec…_

…

…

…

…

…He's gone. He was just on a stroll like I was, but he looked bad. He was obviously very tired, like he didn't get any sleep all night. _Hmm_, he seemed worried too. He barely looked up from his feet while walking, and I don't think he had a real destination either. He was wandering in circles and even bent down a few times, I don't-

Wait! He was looking for the recorder! Oh man, oh man, now I feel even more awful! He doesn't want _anyone_ listening to this! _Ughh_ what the hell am I supposed to do now? He looked really upset until he gave up, then he just looked really down. Not like down-to-Earth down, but down-down. He just…sighed…he looked so exhausted…then he put his hands in his pockets and headed back for the Mystery Shack.

I've never felt such a…a…conflict! What do I do? Talk to him or leave him alone? Tell him I listened to his deepest, most secretest thoughts, or let him work out his inner issues? I just don't know. Too bad I can't talk to anyone about this, or I'd just add to the problem. _Sigh_…Waddles, what do you think? Should I go talk to Dipper, or is this something he needs to work out on his own?

…_Giggle…_I can't help but laugh when he just stares at me. Silly pig. Maybe he's right though, maybe I should stay silent for now. I mean, based on what he said, he only recorded this last night. That should give him some time to really find out what he needs to do. Maybe it's his choice: he'll talk to someone when he is ready. Like I said, Dipper is smart, he knows how to solve problems in his own way. If it were me, I'd bring it up with him. Still kinda hurts that he doesn't trust me with this stuff, but I can't blame him really. His brain just works differently than me with these kind of issues.

I still can't stop thinking about what he said toward the end…about losing control and punching Gideon. I can't imagine what it's like; always knowing what you're all about and then Bam! –just losing it all like that. I would be terrified if I was him – and he definitely seems terrified. He was so frightened, knowing that he could snap in an uncontrolled instant. His voice started to shake…and he was so scared, _sniff_, and I started crying, _sniff sniff_, and I just couldn't stop crying…

_Sniff, _Look at me, _sniff_, I'm still crying! _Ha, sniff, ha_! –I'm totally crying into a tape recorder, never saw that one coming!

… To think today started as just a regular old simple day. Dipper is not stable right now, this whole fiasco has really done a number on him. I don't really know what to do, he's _so_ scared and I'm _so_ worried…But I have to be strong for both of us. It won't be easy, but I _will_ help him get through this. I have a mission! Damn it all, _I have a mission_! Waddles! With you as my witness, the world of Dipper shall know that I! Have! A! Mission! As I stand atop this tree stump, I vow to help my brother! My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to rescue my twin bro from this evil head junk filling his head!

…But how do I do it?

He needs to know that I love him, that I'll always help him through tough times. But I can't talk to him yet. Not yet. I need more time to think. Yeah, thinking will do the trick. I should start to head back to the shack, the clouds are getting pretty dismal: it might rain soon. Strange, the sun was up only a few minutes ago...

C'mon Waddles, let's go home and think!

* * *

_With a new found confidence, Mabel Pines and her faithful pig Waddles made their way back to the mystery shack. She saw Dipper sitting on the front porch of the dilapidated home, silent hands on trembling legs and eyes drifting away from the world. He looked up for a moment, and Mabel smiled brightly and knowingly at him (hiding the recorder in the process). Dipper gave a gentle smile back, and soon returned to his inner musings with a more uplifted mindset. Mabel walked into the Shack's bathroom and took a long, well-deserved hot shower. After her shower songs of amateur and improvised lyrics, she cleaned up, dried up, dressed up, and skipped out of the bathroom. In her optimistic mood, and with her mind focusing on helping her brother, she accidentally left the most important aspect to her mission's success on the bathroom sink. _

_After eating a hefty plate of spaghetti, the bathroom found new occupancy. And in this occupancy, the recorder found new ownership. Perhaps the dusty device had a mind of its own, searching for new owners after every recording. Or perhaps its finding of new owners was pure coincidence. _

**Live and Love,**

**JR (Calc-Man)**


	3. Loose Change

That Damn Recording

**AN: Damn, I thought capturing Mabel's voice was tough. Read and review, and favorite, and follow, and all that damn jazz.**

3: Loose Change

_After relieving himself of a plate of leftover Spaghetti, a plate that certainly wasn't his own, Stan was surprised to find his old tape recorder on the sink while washing his hands. He returned to his office, placed the recorder on his desk, and continued the day's tax fraud. He found himself occasionally eying the device, until he gave in to curiosity. He rewound the internal tape, unsure what he was doing or what he would hear. Pressing play, he listened to the personal musings of his two favorite (and only) roommates. Worried that Dipper would continue to withdraw from the world, and certain that Mabel would not be able to help, Stan found himself pressing record and began to mull over an important decision._

* * *

Damn those kids, going through my stuff and thinking they can just record whatever they want. I bet Dipper didn't even see if the tape was blank. What the hell was on this thing anyway?

…

I just took the tape out. The label reads…well, I guess Dipper was right in recording over it. I'd never hear the end of it if he kept it.

Still, I guess that doesn't really matter. What _does_ matter is the current state of my great nephew's head. Mabel said it best when she said that he can be withdrawn at times. What she doesn't know is how strong he truly is. Hell, even Dipper doesn't know the strength he has- he just thinks he's worthless. I can't believe that. Sure he's been bullied, but who hasn't? Sure people don't respect him, but who needs approval from strangers? To think that the lessons I've been teaching him haven't worked. I've been trying to give him a sense of responsibility, of purpose. I just never figured he wouldn't take all of that to heart. Guess I'm not as good a mentor as I thought.

What he lacks in manly build, he makes up for in bravery, in wisdom, and in thoughtfulness. Hell, just letting his thoughts on tape was probably the bravest thing he's ever done, never mind that he threw the tape away for anyone to find. Course, that was probably more recklessness than bravery, but hey: nobody's perfect. He's really scared of what he did to Gideon, not that the little snake didn't deserve it. He's afraid of what came out of him that day, afraid to face it, when he should be embracing it! Dipper thinks he knows himself so well, but he hasn't even scratched the surface. The potential inside him is limitless and, as of now, uncontrolled. He needs to face this side of himself, harness it, control it, and use it to build on his still-developing character.

Of course, I'm not saying this will be easy. Growing up is a pain in the ass, but it serves as an important building block for the rest of his life. He thinks he's already discarded his adolescence; he thinks that he's a full-fledged, mature adult. He hasn't even hit the hard part yet. I mean, Christ, when I was just 16 I couldn't wrap my mind around growing up. Point is, Dipper hasn't fully developed. There's a lot of change to come, and the fact that he acknowledges his internal conflict is a big step.

…Then again, it might be a problem. He might start to think that he, as an _adult_, shouldn't think like a developing child and just ignore his issues. That's an issue. By no means is he still a child, he's proven that to all of us, but he still has to embrace every aspect of himself before he can know exactly who he is.

I see him now through my window, walking in the yard, looking for this piece of junk. The look on his face is one of sheer hopelessness. I wouldn't be surprised if it started raining only over him, like a damn cartoon. The wind is picking up, and I think it's already drizzling. I don't know…seeing him like this makes my paternal instincts act up: I should go to him. Maybe I can't let him alone. Maybe he does need some guidance-

_Gruncle Stan!_

Shit, Mabel! Gotta hide this thing…

_Gruncle Stan, Gruncle Stan! I'm looking for something. Have you seen it?_

No Mabel, I haven't seen Soos.

_No! I'm looking for a tape recorder! It's_ super_ important that I find it._

Um…Nope! Sorry, haven't seen a recorder. I'll keep my eyes open though.

_Crud! Ok, if you find it, bring it to me and _don't listen to it! _I'd better ask Wendy. Wendy!_

…

_Fhew…_that was close. It's harder than it seems, hiding a heavy ass tape recorded under a fez and on top of _my_ head.

You know, seeing Mabel this frantic gets me thinking. In her tape, she decided not to approach her brother yet. She still wants to help him though, and it's obvious she's as desperate as Dipper to find this recorder. I wouldn't expect anything less of her, but she brought up a good point. Do I have any right to walk into Dipper's personal issues, and try to force my help? He may not look it, but he's a tough kid. Maybe I can help him by not helping him. These damn issues of his should be viewed as a test of will, of resilience. Hell, when I was his age my father put me in boxing rings. If he's not up to that, which, let's face it, he certainly is _not_, then maybe this isolation will work for him. He has to work this out on his own, and when he's ready, he'll come to us for support.

…but what if he doesn't?

Hell, why am I even recording this? I'd better trash this thing. Hey Soos!

_Yes Mr. Pines?_

Are…Are you in my closet?

_Uh…Yes._

What the hell are you doing in there?

…_Dusting. And _not_ searching for loose change. _Heh…_Not at all. No loose change in here! …See, I know that because I'm not looking for loose change. I'm dusting._

I'm gonna dust your face if you don't get your ass out here!

…

So. You heard what was on the tape?

_Yeah boss. I did._

And what I just recorded?

_Yep._

Tell me. What do ya think we should do?

_Well Mr. Pines, I think we don't have the right to intrude on Dipper's personal stuff-_

It's not about _rights _damn it! _He _put it on tape, _He _put us in this position. We _have _to do something!

_You just said you wanted to leave him alone. _

_Sigh…_I'm not so sure about that. What if he isn't as strong as I think? What if he can't pull through this?

_Well, I'm no psychic, but I-_

Psychic?

_You know, someone who pokes at brains a lot._

I can't tell if you meant psychiatrist or brain surgeon. Go on.

_I think the best thing for him now is for him to be left alone. I know we're worried, but I think that's what should be done right now. He'll come around boss, he always has. When he's ready, he'll talk to us. We can't push it. He'll realize how much we worry for him, and he'll come around._

_Sigh_…Maybe you're right Soos.

_Boss, when have I ever been wrong?_

…

_That's right! Never have I been wrong!_

I won't argue with you Soos. Still, maybe Dipper does need to sort this out on his own. A test of his strength, like I said. He just needs time. Alright Soos, keep an eye on him. Make sure our plan works, but don't talk to him yet. And throw this damn tape recorder out! We can't have him or anyone else finding it again. I can't risk giving it back to Mabel either, she might do something rash. Just trash the damn thing!

_Yes boss!_

* * *

_Stan stopped the recording, handed the device to his loyal employee, and returned to his tax fraud, his mind distracted by thoughts of Dipper's struggle. He was surprised with Soos' helpfulness in the matter, but then again he always knew that under that simple mind was one of thoughtfulness. Soos turned from his boss and headed down the stairs and into the lobby. Reaching the front desk, he stopped when he heard Mabel call his name. Clearly distracted, he placed the tape down on the desk and went to her. Soos, in his forgetful state of mind, left the recorder on the desk and didn't finish the task. There it sat, hidden in plain sight, and although Dipper, Mabel, Soos, and Stan walked through the lobby throughout the day, none of them saw the recorder. Perhaps it was fate that the recorder remained out of sight, having only been noticed the next morning by a certain flannel-wearing cashier._

**Live and Love,**

**JR (Calc-Man)**


	4. That Damn Recording

That Damn Recording

**AN: The chapter after this will probably be the last, but I might do one more.  
**

4: That Damn Recording

_Wendy came in for work a good fifteen minutes late, which was her usual time of entry. She prepped the cash register, dusted the front desk, and waited for the onslaught of idiotic, gullible tourists. Something caught her attention on the edge of the desk: a beaten up tape recorder. Curious, and with no customers in sight, she rewound the tape and listened to it. When the tape ran out, she knew instantly what needed to be done. She pressed record._

* * *

Dipper, the others on this tape, Mabel, Stan, Soos- They think you should figure this stuff out on your own. I disagree. I mean, you know me, I don't dick around. I won't ignore this, and I won't let you think you're being ignored. I'm not going to debate with myself like Mabel did. I'm not going to make this a test for you like Stan did. I'm going for the kill: I'm going to talk to you. They did what they thought was right, and I'm going to do the same. I'm going to help you. Then I'm going to give you this tape, so pay attention Mabel's recording, Stan's, and mine, _and _to our conversation as you listen to it again.

Remember what I said, and know that I'd never leave you hanging. Since I met you, you've become one of my closest friends. You say you're too young, that you have no respect- that's a lie and you know it. When we first met, I thought you were going to be a pre-teen brat just looking for attention. How wrong was I? I can't imagine my life without you in it now, and I have the utmost respect for you, even if you go overboard sometimes. So remember what I said, and remember what I'm saying, Dipper. We're here for you- _I'm _here for you. And we will never ignore you. _I _will never ignore you.

* * *

_So, what's going on bro?_

_ …Nothing much I guess._

_ Aw that's no answer. C'mon. I invited you up to my roof hangout, and all you can be like is _"Nothing Much"_? Be honest with me Dipper, how are ya? You haven't been yourself lately, you know._

_ Well, _honestly_, I'm not so great. Had a lot of things on my mind, I guess._

_ Something you wanna talk about?_

No_...Not yet anyway, I'm working on it._

_ I feel ya bro. You got some crap you gotta figure out for yourself, I understand. Internal conflict sucks, am I right?_

_ You could say that again._

_ Internal conflict _sucks_…Hey, I saw a smile! No no no, don't turn your head, I know what I saw! Admit it!_

_ Ok, ok! You saw a smile. Happy?_

_ Nope. We're not leaving this roof until I get you to laugh. When was the last time you had a good, long laugh?_

_ …I can't remember. _

_ All the more reason you've gotta let it all out. I remember going through something like this once, back when my family first moved here. My head was completely shaken, and I didn't know what to think. Abandoning my home, friends, everything I had ever known- it took its toll on me, ya know? I was pissed off, hurt, and I tried to block out everything just so I could be alone. _

_ No offense, but I don't think that your family's move relates to my problem._

_ Says you! I barely spoke to anyone, I was in a damn rut, unwilling to let my parents or brothers help me out. Now, anyone with half a brain would say _that_ sounds like _you_ right now. Even if our problems are different, we react the same way: we have the same symptoms, right? Wouldn't that mean that the solution is the same for both? _

_ I don't know. I guess. _

_ C'mon, use that big head of yours! Of course the solution is the same. _

_Maybe._

Sigh…_look, I won't push this. You don't have to open up if you aren't ready, so I won't push it. But talking to others will help, believe me._

…

_Hey, what do you think that cloud looks like?_

_I don't know, Wendy._

_You're not even looking up! I think it's a duck. Or a monkey. The wind keeps changing what they look like._

_Yeah._

_At least it's a nice day out, right?_

…

…

…

_What's over there Dipper?_

_Huh?_

_You've been staring into that particular part of the woods for like, five minutes. What's out there?_

_Just a thing._

_A thing that's had your attention for a while. _

…_It's that damn recorder, Wendy. I found a tape recorder in the attic a few days ago, and I had this instinct just to vent, you know? _

_What did you record?_

_What's been on my mind for the past few days. I just had to get it out, but I wasn't going to talk about it to someone else. It's just easier for me to speak my mind when I'm alone._

_Hey, I get it. But why is it all the way over there?_

_Well, after I recorded it, I had the urge to just…throw it away. I guess I thought that the more distance I put between the tape and myself, the easier it would be to ignore everything I admitted. I came up here and just threw it away._

_All the way out there? Damn dude, you've got one hell of an arm!_

_Yeah. Well, the next morning I thought about it more and more, and I realized that I need that tape back._

_Because you didn't think pushing those thoughts away was right. I get that-_

_No, I think it's more selfish than that. I just…_sigh_…_

…_Go on. Let it out._

… _I don't want anyone to hear my thoughts because…because that tape scares me. On more than one level. After actually speaking my mind and hearing the words I dreaded, I had this moment of clarity: all of it is true. I don't want that getting out, any weakness on that tape needs to stay with _me_. If anyone hears that, I'll lose the little respect that I have. More than that, I think it would scare anyone who listened to it, especially Mabel. Those are _my_ demons, no one should carry them but me._

_But you never got it back?_

_No. I looked for hours yesterday with no luck. I saw Mabel come out of the woods from that direction when I came back to the Shack. I'm terrified at the prospect that she found it. If she did, she hasn't brought it up._

…

_Wendy, this…this is really important to me. Promise me you won't tell anyone about this, please._

_Do you even need to ask that Dipper? My lips are sealed. I wish I had a better way to promise, but my word will have to do._

…_That's all I need._

_Tell me, if the tape scares you so much, shouldn't those thoughts have stayed in your head?_

_Yes._

_But you let them out anyway._

…_Yes._

_Why do you think you did that?_

_I think it was to relieve the pressure I was feeling. Just to get it off my mind. I guess talking about it would make it easier to resolve, but I just added to the problem._

_Do you think that if the tape recorder could talk, you'd feel better?_

_What do you mean?_

_What I mean is, if you were talking to someone instead of yourself, would your problems be closer to a solution?_

_I don't think so. Like I said, I shouldn't put these kind of burdens on others, they're _mine_ to deal with._

Hm._ Pretty selfish if you ask me._

What_?_

…_Do you wanna know how I got over my family moving away from everything I had ever known? How I escaped that solitary trap I had made for myself?_

…

_I talked to people. My dad. My mom. My brothers. I decided that different opinions combined together could create a fix. Many hands make light work, right? C'mon Dipper, think! Isn't it logical to think that three or four people have a better chance at solving a problem than just one person working alone?_

…

_Dipper, this is what friends and family are here for. We're here to help. We would never disregard what you're going through, we'd help you fight through it. No damn recorder could replace the bond we all share- Mabel, Stan, Soos, _you_…and _me_. The first person you should have spoken to was Mabel, she is the one who knows you best. Even if she wasn't around, you know you can always talk to me, right? You think you have to go through this alone? How dare you just ignore us-ignore _me_! Did you ever stop and think how much this affects m- …_us_?_

_Wendy, I-_

_Don't talk! Think! Listen! ..._sigh_…Mabel found the tape yesterday. She listened to it, then she recorded herself debating whether or not she should go to you. She left the tape in the bathroom by accident, and Gruncle Stan picked it up. He listened to it, then recorded himself, finally deciding that these "demons" are a test of will for you. Soos walked in while he was recording, so he's on there too. Soos was told to throw it out, but he left it on the front desk by accident I guess. Then I found it and listened to it. I put my two cents in there, and do you want to know where it is now?_

…

_In my pocket. Recording everything we are saying. Here, take it. I'm going back downstairs for a while, but you _need_ to stay here. Listen to the tape, to your concerned family and friends. Let us prove to you that it's easier to talk to us then it is to stay isolated. Then come talk to us. Or don't. It's your choice, but you know that you can't do this alone. _

…

…

…

…

_Shit._

* * *

_When Wendy said Mabel had found the tape, and that everyone had listened to it, Dipper was mortified. He felt his heart twist and turn, shooting up into his throat. But as Wendy went on, he began to realize the error of his isolation. He listened to the tape, the voices that he knew so well. And when he was ready, he pressed record one last time._

**Live and Love,**

**JR (Calc-Man)**


	5. Get Born Again

That Damn Recording

**AN: And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. Here is the final chapter. ****Oh, and I've updated the previous chap**ters, adding a few extra lines that I cut from the final draft. I put them back for a good reason, hopefully you can figure it out. Consider it my gift to all of you in thanks for the continued support. Enjoy!  


5: Get Born Again

_Dipper had quite a bit of time to listen to the entire tape, and to reflect on the conversation he and Wendy just had. His thoughts drifted from one idea to the next, and with a newfound determination, he pressed record. _

* * *

I'll be honest, I think I died a little when Wendy told me that everyone had heard the tape. Sounds dramatic, but it pays off. Let me explain, I went numb, cold, I was terrified of what you all thought of me: is he crazy, is he insane, do we need to get him to a damn psychiatrist? Then, of course, I listened to your voices, your concerns, and, most importantly, your insatiable need to help me. I never doubted that you cared for me, I mean, we are family, but I never could have estimated the extent of that bond we share. Is it selfish to think that the four of you wouldn't be there for me in times like this? Wendy, you said that it's selfish, and I'm starting to agree with you. It _is_ selfish to think so inwardly, but at the same time, I still think I was right in not talking to anyone. I wasn't ready, but I'll get into that in a minute.

And that part of me that died? It was revived by each new recording. Sounds like a cheesy, melodramatic mess of poorly-written emotion, but it was an incredible experience- the revival, that is. I would recommend it to everyone: get born again at least once in your life.

I always thought I was too young to have a revelation, a moment of clarity, like this. Even in my "immature" age I'm smart enough to recognize those moments, but I thought I haven't done enough to take part in one. This life of mine, what I haven't been able to do yet: It shouldn't be something that bothers me. There's an entire open road ahead, I can't sit here sulking about it. I still have these unresolved issues compounding on my brain, and I don't think that this recording will solve everything like I want it to. I'm still carrying this weight on my shoulders, a weight that I can't shrug away. It will take time, but I know I won't be alone. You all have said so much, and it all means so much to me. Each recording added to that moment of clarity, every word you recorded had an impact.

I really don't want this to go to your heads, especially _you_, Gruncle Stan. I'm being completely honest when I say how much your support means to me, but don't get cocky. I don't want to be looked down upon, so don't put yourselves up _too_ high for helping me. Yes, you all deserve some form of award from your honesty and bravery, but don't let me fall behind.

_Sigh_…Gruncle Stan, you'll understand what I mean more than the others. You and Soos decided that this conflict needs to be treated as a test for me. I never thought of my demons like that, but you two really have a great point. If this _is_ a test, I want to pass it: I want to leave behind this tormented part of me. If I can't leave it behind, I'll use it to grow. This other side of me, the one that just let loose on Gideon: I'm going to explore it. I should never have shied away from it, even if I thought it was going to ruin my level-head and clear thought process. It's not a part of myself that I_ want_ to discover, but if it's there, I'll learn to control it. I never would have thought to use that persona to build my character. Gruncle Stan, Soos: You are both wiser men than I. I'd like your help working on this, but not right now. I'm not ready, not yet.

Of course, I never would have been aware of your wisdom without _you_, Wendy. You did what you thought was best, and you were right. I needed someone to bring me back, to put my hope back in season. I was breaking, and you knew just how to keep me from completely falling apart. Hiding the tape until just the right moment was sly, devious, and quite cunning. I knew there was more to why I…

…Never mind, that's not the issue right now. My point is that you approaching me was the smartest thing you've ever done. I don't think I was ready to just open up about my personal problems, but you gave me just what I needed: Tough love. A slap across the face that woke me up. Have I ever told you how much I appreciate your friendship, what we share? You're one of the closest friends I've ever had, and I can't imagine my life without you either. I'm going to talk to you, I think we can solve some of what's on my mind. Not yet, though. I'll apologize for pushing you away and shutting you out when I needed you the most, but not just yet. I'd rather do that in person.

…Well, I guess you're the last one Mabel. You were _so_ right, I should have gone to you before trying to figure this out myself. With that in mind, you were also _so _wrong. I needed to get this weight off of my mind, but coming to you when I wasn't ready wouldn't have helped. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ready now, but the word is already out, so I guess there's no real point in staying withdrawn. I need you. I love you, and knowing how worried you are brings tears to my eyes.

No, before you ask, I'm not making that up. Hearing you cry over my devils broke me; I was horrified that I could have done that to you, if it was intentional or not didn't matter. And just when I thought you were going to give up on me, just as _I_ was about to give up, you rebounded: You came back. You're stronger than me, and stronger than anyone gives you credit for. You gathered that strength and knew what you had to do, I only wish I had your resilience. You know me better than anyone, and when I'm ready, I'll come to you. Give me a day or two.

So is this something I need to figure out on my own? Is this all some test of will? Or can I not do this alone? All of you are right, and that's the truth of it. I can't help but smile knowing how much you all really care. I never thought you would have this kind of reaction to my issues, then again I never thought those issues would get out. So like I said, I'll come talk to you all soon, but not yet. Just give me a few more days. I need some time to explore who I am, to find out what I'm all about…and to get born again

Mabel, when you're done listening to this, give it to Soos, Gruncle Stan, and Wendy. Have them listen to it like I had with you. Thanks.

…

…

Oh, and Gruncle Stan? You're welcome. You know, for recording over…_that_.

* * *

_Satisfied with the tape, Dipper slowly returned to the Shack, heading to his bedroom. There sat Mabel, looking worried and upset. Dipper knew she wouldn't get over losing that tape, so he took her hands in his. She looked up at him as he slid the recorder into her palms. She seemed confused at first, but Dipper gave her a comforting and reassuring smile, one that she hadn't seen in a long time. After telling her to listen to the tape, he walked out without another word, heading back for Wendy's rooftop hangout,_

_Mabel could barely contain her excitement as she listened to the tape. When the recording clicked at the end of the reel, she bolted up to the roof and proceeded to give her twin brother the strongest bear hug she could manage. Dipper was stunned, but not entirely surprised, by her emotional response. They didn't say a word as they shared that moment, but they each knew what the other was thinking. After an eternity of embrace, Mabel made her way back downstairs to hand out the tape. _

_A never ending smile stretched across Dipper's face. He knew he was ready to solve the enigma that was his inner-demons, with the help of his friends and family of course. It would take time, but it would be time well-spent. He looked up at the clouds surrounding the bright Sun and started naming them, changing their names as the shapes changed in the wind. _

**Well, that's all folks. Thanks for the support, It's been great. Time to work on a new project!  
**

**Live and Love,**

**JR (Calc-Man)**


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